Expectations, Realizations and Crow

Is it self inflicted sabotage? I don't know.

I have many people that I would consider acquaintances. Fewer people I would consider friends. And EVEN fewer people that I would consider good friends. Current status on best friend is TBD. Aside from my husband of course. Can someone be your best friend even when you aren't theirs. Duh, I really do know the answer to that.

I have certain expectations of good friends. But sometimes I don't extend the same respect that I expect. If that makes sense.

I'm recognizing that sometimes I can be a pretty shitty friend. Sometimes however, I can be a really great friend.

You know, the kind of friend who will make you dinner and bake your ass cookies AND drive them a hideous amount of miles just to brighten your day. All because I know what THAT kind of boredom is like. Now THAT is a great friend!

But a shitty friend is one who will get their panties in a knot when you tell them that sometimes they just need to shut the hell up because nobody asked you anyway. And I've had my panties in a knot. And I've realized that sometimes I DO just need to shut the hell up. By helping me realize that, it makes you a good friend.

I've also realized that friendships are NOT a one way street. But so many of my good friendships are just that. I put so much time, effort and heart into a friendship and get a good fair share of disappointment in return.

Expectations are premeditated resentments.

So many times I've come here to add a new post with my thoughts but I wind up leaving with out putting a damn thing on here. Because I don't want to be a downer. I don't want you to read and think, man this shit again, don't you have anything better to write about besides boohoo garbage.

But the reality is, we are all human. We all have emotion. There is plenty of happy in my life. This just so happens to be a little bit of sad in my life and I'm trying to fix it and writing about it and getting it out helps me try to put my thoughts in order.

As I've read over this it seems that it makes no sense at all. And absolute sense. And it really didn't put any thoughts in order but some into perspective. It's just what was whirlin around up there. In my nonsensical brain. It is what it is. And I hope it makes sense.

Or maybe I'll just cry.

Tired. I'm so tired.

Physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm just so damn tired.

I don't have the energy that is required to function. I could sleep for days and days and I'm pretty sure that I'd still lack the energy required to sustain life.

I don't have the energy to play with my son. I don't have the energy to attempt to clean my house. I don't have the energy to communicate.

Nothing sounds appealing. Not even a Frappuccino sounds good. And for me, that's a BIG fucking deal. When ice coffee doesn't sound appealing you know there's a problem.

I don't care. I don't care if you like me. I don't care if I sound like a nag. I don't care if I'm a downer. Today I just don't care. Tomorrow I may. But not today.

I'm tired. Lack appetite. And I just don't care. About anything. Except I do. Care.

And so I'll go. To the doctor. To be poked and prodded. And I'm such a pessimist that I'm sure he'll say nothings wrong. Physically anyway. And then what.

So I'll just wait. To see if there is a reason they can find that I feel this way. Or if I've just gone crazy.

And if I have just lost my mind and they commit me promise that you'll come visit. And perhaps rub my feet. I love my feet rubbed. Or if that's too gross you could brush my hair. I love that too.

I'm entitled...

...to feel this way or not feel that way.

I may not understand how or why. I may not accept the how or why. But it is what it is. And I'm entitled to feel JUST this way.

It's not something I have a need or desire to talk about. Talking quite frankly gets me NOWHERE! And when you talk someone inadvertently wants to tell you that you shouldn't feel the way you do.

So yep, no talking for me. I'll just feel. Until I don't.

When it makes you question your worth as a friend.

Recently I was faulted by a friend for simply being me. I have such a personality that if you are my friend your problems and hardships are my problems and hardships. I will try to help resolve your problem anyway I can and most of the time I try to help with advice.

I do so with no intention of hurting anyone. I do so because I want to help shoulder your burden and let you know you are not alone. That I am here for you. However when my help is not wanted I would hope that you respect me enough as a friend to simply say you would like to do this on your own.

When I ask you to tell me if I am stepping on toes or sticking my nose where it doesn't belong and you tell me I'm not, I can only take you at face value. If you fail to tell me you don't want my advice or opinions you can't throw in my face that I offer unsolicited advice. You should have told me you didn't want to hear it.

Please don't give me the cold shoulder for two weeks while I sit here trying to figure out where I went wrong.

And when I ask you if it has anything to do with me please don't tell me it doesn't when clearly it does. And when you tell me I did nothing wrong but you continue to brush me off don't shame me and accuse me of trying to pry into your life. Why not just be honest with me. Honesty could have avoided the derailment and train wreck of our friendship.

For you to believe that I think I am better than you leaves me speechless. I have never considered for a second that I am of a higher level than you. You are my friend and to me that makes us equals.

It seems to me that you could possibly be the one who thinks they are better than others and above having a friend that only wants to help shoulder your burden. For you to say to me that I have nothing to offer you by way of help because I don't know what it's like to live a small town life makes me wonder if we were even meant to be friends.

From my experience as a parent and from talking with other parents it is completely healthy to take an evening or a weekend away from your kids and relax. And by saying that children also benefit from time away from their parents was by no means a personal attack on your relationship with your children.

I fear that this friendship will never be the same. I'm afraid that if you ever came to me for advice I'd be paralyzed with the constant replay of this incident in my mind that I would be of no help to you.

I now feel the need to monitor everything that I say to you in hopes that I don't say the wrong thing even if I have the best intentions.

I hope this hasn't left a permanent scar on our friendship and I hope that I possess the ability to forgive and forget the attack launched my way for simply being who I am. Someone who truly cares for my friends.

What your son does when you're turning bananas into coconuts!

Much thanks to the great Rach for taking this picture and supplying the props!

*Sorry about the slobber sista*

Who needs words, we got pictures!

I'm dedicating this post to pictures. Pictures of my summer. And spring. And anything else I think you'd care about. Not that you actually do care but it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to pretend. So don't ruin my moment dammit! Sorry there won't be pictures of my boobs or my ass or anymore conditioner bottles that may or may not look like vibrators. No blackmail pictures or anything. I'm keeping all those to mu-self! So here you go. My summer in pictures!

Do you know how long I fucked around trying to figure out why it won't put an equal number of spaces between each picture. Too fucking long. That's how long. And I still don't have it figured out. I hate it when the computer thinks it knows what I want done. Some people refer to their vehicles as a specific gender. I'm doing the same thing with my computer. He sucks!

My ENJOY conditioner bottle...

bears a strong resemblance to a vibrator. Seriously it does.

I got it a few months ago when I was at the hairdresser. Vickie Jo was trying out this new product line called ENJOY. She showed me the conditioner and I was sold. It smells wonderful and really, a dab is all you use. It's a decent size bottle so it will last me close to six to nine months.

Honestly, from the moment I set that bottle down in the shower I thought, "hmm, that looks just like a vibrator".

And as I'm cleaning the shower yesterday I casually say to my husband, " Did you know I think the conditioner bottle looks like a vibrator?".

I'm fully expecting him to burst into hysterical laughter and ask where the hell that came from but he responds with, "OMG, I was thinking the same thing".

Now keeping in mind that this would be just the plain old version without all the bells and whistles, do you not see the resemblance? Doesn't it just make you want a bottle of your very own!